Something about posting too much on The Escapist.

How did you kiss Megan Fox?

I told her she's overrated. And that she can't act.

How did you realize that I had set a trap in the forest?

Well, it wasn't so much a trap as a piece of fly paper that I sidestepped. You suck at traps, man.

How did you get so bad at setting traps?

Well, there's this thing called daylight that keeps me sane... yeah, haven't seen it in about a week...

How did you learn to jump?

I checked the manual to find out what the jump button was.

^{A week?! How do you pull that off?}

How did you get flung far into the future?

I built myself a magic catapult. It's wonders what machines will do nowadays.

^{Well, I've had so many assignments and schoolwork lately... For my drama course, we have to do a children's theatre play (which sucks cause I hate kids, but I'm ignoring that fact for now) so we're rehearsing until the evening, and by the time we're done, it's dark out, and when I bus to school in the morning, it's also dark out... and this weekend I was basically on here the whole time.}

How did you manage to escape the Sahara Desert?

I called in the last favor that The Mafia owed me.

^{Ouch. Rough situation, man. Well, hope everything turns out good and you get some sunshine again. And don't worry: small children don't bite. Much.}

How did you assassinate Abraham Lincoln and get away with it?

By blaming the one armed man.

How did you get to Narnia?

I sent some from our army of Canadian (aka Lumberjack) ninjas. They get the job done.
Bloody ninjas. Why, I followed the stupid children, of course! (Then clubbed them while they were still in the forest... they won't remember any of it!)

^{And the great thing is, children's theatre doesn't end till December, so basically weekends are my only chance at sun. You gotta love Canadian winters and the lack of sunlight.}

How did you manage to burn your toast, after I had specifically reminded you about it?

I don't listen to you, ever. And I like my toast charred.

_{Canada sounds a lot like Illinois, but friendlier.}

How did you make day into night and vice versa?

I'm going to be lazy: see post 706 of this thread. And the insomnia? I don't entirely know. It just sort of happened last year.

^{I wouldn't know... I've never been out of Canada. Though, it varies greatly throughout the country (that I can say, cause I've pretty much been in every province. No territories, though.)}

How did you forget to say thank you after that nice little monst... child held the door open for you?

I ate the monst...child so that there was no need of thanks.

_{Illinois this time of year is fourteen hours of dark, ten hours of grey...repeat until April.}

How did you manage to escape from Alcatraz?

I summoned my army of flying monkeys. They flew me away. Quite handy, you know, having Nikko on your side...

^{Ah, I see. Here's it's getting to be 13 hours of dark... Sometimes there's sun but this week it's only been cloudy. It hasn't gotten cold yet, but it generally does the first week of November, and at that time, start expecting snow. It generally doesn't stop snowing till April. Sometimes March. But by March it's at least about 0 (Celsius) out, so it's none too bad.}

How did you escape the sea monster that I sent after you?

Easy, I live on land.

_{As far as I'm concerned, winter can die a fiery death. Sun and warmth make Goat a happy...uhh...goat.}

How did you win the Stanley Cup alone?

Canada's a hockey nation. What can I say but... talent.

^{It's not so bad the first month or so. Then it gets annoying. How cold does it tend to get there?}

How did you forget that you had just bought a dog??

Been out of town. They don't need to eat every day, do they?

_{Probably not as bad as Canada, you being more north and all. Also, I do Farenheit, not Celcius (sorry), but in that scale we see sub-zero temps regularly in January/February.}

How did you know I bought a dog?

I have a spy watching you at all times.
Enjoying your burger?

How did you find a way to stop bleeding from your throat?

I made a bigger wound in my stomach.

How did you see me hiding outside your house?

You were wearing MC Hammer's pants.

How did you get that gig as Death?

I had a great resume.

How did you spontaneously combust?

I walked into an Apple Store.

How did you get your iPod repaired without spontaniously conbusting?

Fire-retardant clothing.

How did you steal my house?

A comination of foreclosure law, ID theft, and getting your wife to enter into what she thought was a contest for a trip to the Brazil Olympic Opening Cerimonies, but was actually the signing over of your jointly owned house.

Where do you live now?

Your basement.

How did you miss the screams coming from down the stairs?

I am deaf.

How did you sneak into my house like that?

You're deaf. It's not hard.

How did you lose your hearing?

I blasted too much metal... And being deaf changes the experience! (Kids, that's a lesson for you: Grown-ups can be right sometimes!)

How did you drown that worm?

Using a pool, some rope and a couple of concrete blocks.

How did you survive being drowned?

I didn't...ZOMBIE ATTACK!!!!

How did you not realize I'm undead?

The internet clouded my prescience.

How did you get here?

Well, Dad met mom in 1973 and then...HAWTSEX. Ewwww.

How did you get me to think of that particular horror?

Hey, I meant "How did you get in my house?" You got it wrong on your own.

How did you get that wrong?

My mind is in the gutter. Always.

How did you think I thought anything sane?

I didn't.
I've known you long enough to not consider you even insane. You gone past insane.

How did you go past insane?

Took a left at loony, and just kept twitching.

How did you disable the bomb?