sam g:
You told me it was toothpaste!

How did you dodge a bullet? A bullet, for christ's sake!?

Well, i first made the idea for the movie, then developed the game, then directed the movie. So i was able to craft both and finish them with the single intent of. . . Actually i sold my soul to Satan.

How did you Win a Pulitzer?

Well, I didn't so much "win" it. More like "stealing it from William Faulkner".

How did you eat that Xbox?

Patience, good sir, patience. AND A TONGUE LIKWE A BULLWHIP!!!

_{beat a dead horse, I always say...}

How did you lose so much weight?

I was run down by a steamroller.

_{I can't take it any more! AAAAAAHHHHHH...!
*Dives out window*}

How did you make me commit suicide?

...by not letting,"Patience, good sir, patience. AND A TONGUE LIKWE A BULLWHIP!!!" die a natural death, of course.

How did you put up with it for as long as you have?

I was on drugs.

How did you drink twenty bottles of beer without getting drunk? It wasn't light beer you were drinking.

In my defense, it was water with "Beer, very freaking heavy. For big arse bikers only."

How did you not see through my ruse?

I'm very naive.

How did you survive the Hindenburg explosion?

I was on the ground with a flare gun.

How did you survive me hitting you with a semi?

I've been using the 'Buns of Steel' workout tapes. They're amazing!

How did you find someone to let you drive a semi?

Who says they let me? A baseball bat to the head is as good as asking where I come from.

How did you attach that cannon to your forehead?

Two paper clips, a rubber band, and MACGYVER

How did you get to the prom?

One word: jetpack.

How did you survive that jetpack explosion while 600 feet in the air?

I heard the fuel pump snap so I threw the jet pack off and parachuted safely away from the burst.

How did you kill Abraham Lincoln?

My gun misfired while I was trying to pull a practical joke on him.

How did you lose both of your eyes?

In a freak ping-pong accident.

How do live with yourself?

Whisky helps. And LSD. And the little blue fairies who tell me to burn things.

How did you learn the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart technique?

Bill taught me.

How did you know I knew the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart technique?

I looked in your schedule and saw that you were planning to use it on me.

How did you grow that glorious beard overnight?

Early and vicious puberty.

_{If only you knew how true your statement is...}

How did you learn all the words to Jimmy Crack Corn (and I Don't Care)?

I listened to it nonstop for three years. The words have now been etched into my brain.

How did you play the trumpet so well without any prior lessons?

Patience, good sir, patience. AND A TONGUE LIKE A BULLWHIP!!!

_{Hey, if it fits, ima use it.}

How did you scale Mt.Everest with no arms?

With a helicopter.

How do you use that bullwhip tongue of yours?

in a figure 8 >.>

How did you get your cat to fly?

I attached wings to its back.

How did you make me break down and cry?

I shot your flying cat with lightning.

How did you become Death?

Nicked off with his scythe and hood while he was taking a shower.

How did you repopulate the chinchilla race, bearing in mind you're the only survivor?

Cloning.

Then how did you make females?

Surgery.

How'd you miss with the BFG 9000?

I fired from the hip. Everyone knows that only works in the movies.

How did you cook this delicious steak when we were all out of meat?

I went to the store a bought some more.

How did you learn guitar in 10 minutes?

I played Guitar Hero.

How did Last of the Chinchillas read the Artemis Fowl series with his horrible reading skills?
That IS what you meant, right?

Because he used audiotapes
^{I have one of the books, but never read it}

How did a larva post on the internet?

It used its glorious telekinetic powers.

_{No, but good catch. It's been a while since I've read those books.}

How did a...thing...get all firey and angry and look like it's going to eat me?

Because it's from an anime.

How did you make an anime so fast?